The Guys’ Guide to Tinder.

I am very happily in a relationship, but I love Tinder.

I certainly don’t love Tinder for its intended purpose, but rather for its entertainment value. Rick has one too, and we’ll swap phones, match each other up with some weirdos and laugh about it until 2 in the morning. It did backfire when I jokingly swiped yes to a classmate (I thought it would be ironic, but, no…) and he not-so-jokingly swiped yes to me. I don’t even think he knew we had class together. Aaaawk-ward!

I never thought too much about the whole process until I was a bored-to-death insomniac swiping through Tinder in the wee hours of the morning. That’s when it hit me that some of these guys aren’t trying to be funny- they’re actually trying to impress girls. And that’s also when I started screen-shotting. A lot. Of guys. That’s why we’re here: I’m giving you boys a rundown of what does and does not impress the ladies. Of course, it’s just my opinion, so some girls might love that you’re taking a shirtless bathroom selfie in a towel. (Keep scrolling down for that eye candy. Ugh.)

The New York Times ran a fantastic article about the psychology and success of Tinder, which really opened my eyes. Trust me, if some of the guys that use Tinder read it, they would re-evaluate some of the things they post:

“‘Research shows when people are evaluating photos of others, they are trying to access compatibility on not just a physical level, but a social level,’ said Jessica Carbino, Tinder’s in-house dating and relationship expert. ‘They are trying to understand, Do I have things in common with this person?'”

Another interesting fact: men swipe yes THREE TIMES more than women do. Why? Because we ladies can look deeper into the picture and interpret meaning behind it. I feel like guys are far more likely to be like, “yeah, she’s hot, swipe yes.” Women, at least in my experiences, will say. “he’s attractive, but he looks like a jerk, so I’ll be careful and swipe no.” This isn’t even just my opinion- the NYT backed me up.

“In one survey, women were asked to swipe through a series of photos of handsome male models. In almost every instance, the women swiped to the left, dismissing the men with chiseled faces. When asked why, the women said that the men looked too full of themselves or unkind. ‘Men with softer jaw lines indicate that they have more compassion,’ Ms. Carbino said.”

Told you so!

Anyway, now that you’ve got the back story, I grabbed shots of the good, the bad, and the incredibly weird, all for your (and my) viewing pleasure. I also made sure to only use people that I don’t have friends in common with, so you don’t have the responsibility of telling your cousin Ben that he’s a weirdo on Tinder because he’s posing with a cardboard cutout of Harry Styles.

My general rule is this: if he has a dog in the picture, it’s an automatic yes. Because, hello, what girl doesn’t love a man with a puppy?! If you want a girl to go out with you, marry you, or just match you on a dating app, a dog is your best ally.

See, this guy knows how to do it. He’s fully dressed (almost always a requirement for a yes from me) and holding the cutest little husky dog you’ve ever seen in your life. Even if I thought he was a hot mess, I would swipe right for the dog’s attractiveness.

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Winner! Ding ding ding ding! This guy hit the jackpot. He’s in front of a lake so he must be rich and own 3 vacation houses (or am I the only one that assumes that?), he’s cute, and his dog is even cuter. Plus, he loves his pup, so he must be an all around good guy. You guys are thinking, “she read way into that- she’s way off base.” And that’s why you’ve only gotten 4 matches in the past 2 months. If you don’t think that a picture says a thousand words about you, go back and read that New York Times article.

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My rule was “always swipe yes if he has a dog” until I got to this picture. The dog kindof looks like he’s on methamphetamine, and the guy kindof looks like Sven from Frozen. (Is that the guy or the reindeer? I mean the guy.)
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This picture leads me to a few points. Cute dog, I like it. But you ruined it by 1. being in a car 2. being in a car shirtless 3. making that face. Do you think that’s a sexy face? It looks like you smelled something horrible right as you took the picture.
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The above picture transitions perfectly into my next rule: always wear a shirt. Unless you’re on a beach or at a pool, (read: wearing bathing suit bottoms) there is no reason for you to just forget a shirt. It makes no sense. Let’s examine some of the do’s and don’ts of clothing, shall we? We’ll start with the don’ts.

This one really renders me speechless. I know that overalls are supposedly back “in,” but I disagree. Especially in this setting. Unless you are Chris Soules, (aka Prince Farming) I really don’t want to see you in overalls. And what is he drinking? Orange soda? I don’t get it.

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LOL. I applaud this guy for trying to be funny. At least, I hope that’s what he’s trying to do. It’s almost a “yes” for him because he made me laugh, but the fact that he’s wearing that with lots of other people around cancels out the laughter. However, he gets a bravo because it’s amusing.

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Uh, what exactly is going on in this picture? Is this a test shot for Abercrombie? I won’t even get into it. IMG_8760

We’ve got a situation. This guy thinks that he’s The Situation. (I had to do it. It made me giggle.) Let’s put these puzzle pieces together: You’re in the middle of a street. You’re holding two drinks.  You’re not wearing a shirt, but you are wearing a backpack. You’re wearing a swimsuit, but there’s no water. Are you using the drinks as dumbbells, because you’re obviously flexing your arms? Are you walking to school? No, I think he’s definitely doing some kind of workout in the middle of the street.
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See, I’m just not impressed by confederate flags or odd bicep-to-waist proportions. But again, that might just be me. I would much rather see some guys dressed like this:

These two are dressed well, they are precious little guys, and they both love their mommas! It’s an automatic yes! These men know how to do it. Color me impressed.PicMonkey Collage

Every girl loves a man in uniform. This guy looks so much nicer than all the guys in the “don’t” category. He looks very put together. Suave, even. Thumbs up.

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This picture is one of my favorites. Why? Yeah, he’s dressed nicely and looks like a cool guy, but that isn’t what sets this apart. You see, he could have thought “Man, I look sharp today. The lighting from the sun is nice too, so I think I’ll take a selfie.” BUT HE DIDN’T. Someone else took this picture. Genius. Can you guess what my next rule is?FullSizeRender

STOP TAKING SELFIES. I am guilty of this on Tinder too, but I think girls are just better selfie takers than boys. The worst selfie is the bathroom mirror selfie, because nobody can do it well. Some of these guys really, really tried. They just couldn’t quite pull all of the pieces together.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me. Where are your clothes? You’re not wearing a shirt in your bathroom mirror selfies. What is the world coming to?!
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If Tierra’s eyebrow got its own Twitter account, this one should too. What kind of face is that? Inquisitive? Surprised? Pensive? The major head tilt is throwing me off too. Is he squinting his eyes or is that the angle? Most importantly, though: does he tweeze or wax?

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Since there is no such thing as a good bathroom mirror selfie, I’ll give first prize to this guy. He looks snazzy in his suit, and since he’s wearing a shirt, he gets bonus points. I’m just confused by his facial expression here. It’s like he’s saying “do you want to pick me? I don’t know if you should. I think I’m probably attractive. I don’t know.” Just smile! It’s more attractive than all these weird faces. FullSizeRender (3)

 

Now it’s time for a quick round of “yes or no.” Ready? Go.

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Sadly, it’s not President Obama, it’s the guy whose face we can’t see. Regardless, yes! It takes ambition (or a really really bad rap sheet) to meet the president.

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You’re holding a beer bottle with boobs on it. Automatic no.

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Duh! This guy looks hilarious. I love it when guys show their silly side in their picture- it means they don’t take themselves too seriously.
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You’re taking a selfie while driving. I’d rather not die, thanks but no thanks.

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You’re taking a bathroom selfie with no shirt AND no pants. And your “About Me” is “Will you sit on my face?” You know, you really seem like a classy guy, but I’m going to have to say no. 

While I have far more screenshots than I integrated into this post, I will end it here. I hope that you have learned what to do and what not to do on Tinder. Good luck to you, my single-and-ready-to-mingle friends, it’s a scary world out there.

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